feeling pensive with nothing to say. nothing to force paper and pen. just the desire to write. to speak. to voice anything that might be worth something, to someone. even if just to me.
it's been a while now, since i've felt much of anything. letting myself go numb. frozen in the water, sinking, slowly. and i'm aware. i'm completely aware of this ridiculous state i've put myself in. left with desire to climb out, but no will to move.
almost two years now. since i last felt a pulse. the sunshine is the only thing that makes my blood flow, anymore. where is my sunshine now?
. . .
and the people around me have arrested my mood, now. loud and obnoxious at their table in their corner of my coffee shop. each one speaking louder, in hopes to out-wit and over-power the last.
i wish i were not here now. wanting so badly to be back in the sunshine. in a quieter place. a quieter world. a place where i can actually hear myself think. hear myself breathe. a place where my thoughts are clear because they're not muddled by the deafening ignorance of these people.
and maybe i'm too harsh on this place. this place that i call home. or maybe it's just my mood today. i'm not sure, but the feeling is real. and i have to allow myself to feel it, to react. because what is this life if we don't react. if we never register with our emotions, with our thoughts. life becomes numb.
at times it feels like i'm drowning in indecision. bound by weights of frustration and fleeting hope. but am i sinking, or am i just letting go of the edge.
needing some direction, again. but too tired to look for it. hoping everything will just fall into place, again. everything in it's right place. but i'm too smart to let myself be that stupid.
i hope the sunshine picks me back up again. i hope it's warm arms reach down and shake this grey shroud off of me, and bring me back to life. i'm tired of drowning in this rainy weather full of washed up ways and wasted days. i'm ready to breathe again.
