Haze of Starlight

You’re everywhere I look. Everywhere I turn. You are around every corner, staring back at me. I can hardly go a single hour, without you seeping in. My mind, my dreams, my body, all of me is filled with you. Will we ever let each other go, long enough to be whatever it is we need to be?

But the truth is that I don’t want to, let you go. I want to hold on to all of you forever, because all the pain can’t wash out the love and miss that I still feel. I wish it could, because the days would be much more carefree, and my sleep would go back to dreams of silly things like mountain tops and starlight flights. But instead they’re filled with you and me. Tossing and turning and waking in a blur. Heart awake and so alive, beating hard and completely aware that you’re not here.

And I wonder where you are, if not with me. Are you lying awake somewhere, wondering why your heart feels empty and your body feels cold and alone? Are your dreams filled like mine, with familiar limbs but painfully blurry faces of somebody that you used to know? If they are then you know the sadness that hits when you wake too soon, just before the haze fades and you would have seen my face, once again. So close to sweetness, as if our unconscious is protecting us from unbelievable bliss and inevitable heartache.

But I’d take the bliss and the heartache and all the dizzy spells that your name brings, if we could rewind back through all of this mess and vow to deserve and honor a once in a lifetime second chance.

And since I can’t, at least not for now, I am left with nothing but my mind and it’s countless thoughts of you, to keep me company and keep me misery, as the daylight fades to black and the starlight fills the night sky, once again.

wedensday, september 14, 2011

with no commitment to anyone,
nothing traceable
except the money i owe,
absolute freedom, for the first time in 27 years,
and still it feels so full of nothingness,
so empty and alone.

so up and down, classically bittersweet.
not at all what i wanted, but this is what i got.
and so here i am, three-thousand miles away,
with an empty tank of gas
and no one to know my name.

something so true in that, so honest and raw,
and for the first time ever,
i'm admitting that it hurts to be alone.

it takes red wine and solitude,
and a looming dark grey sky,
to see all the truths, that i hid away, deep inside.

feeling like a prisoner
in my own self-inflicted progression.
because what else can you do
when everything falls apart and fades away.

i keep going, and i try to move on,
i look forward and vow never to look back.
but it's there and it's chasing me
waking me up in the middle of the night,
demanding my attention and constant validation.

because this pain is real, and it's right.
without it we lose what it means to be a human being,
with a heart to break and a soul to take.
please don't let me lose my self.