they feel love.

i hope that i know what i'm doing.
but i guess we can never really know.
we step where we think we'll land solid,
safe and sound.
and we hold our breath, hoping that we've made the right choice.

but there is something in you,
that i know to be true.
and it's that something that keeps pulling me in, asking for more.
i can't name it, or describe it,
but it's deep within you and i only know that i want to be near it,
and you.

maybe we both needed to lose everything,
to realize what we wanted the most.
maybe we both needed to feel that pain and complete loss,
to learn how we wanted not to be.

so here we are, one year later,
deciding carefully how we want to be.
who we want to be in ourselves,
but also how our selves can fit back together, again.

will they understand?
probably not.
but in the end, what matters most is the me i want to be.
and she is honest and true to herself first,
and then finds the courage to be true, to them.
she is happy, and filled with love and appreciation.
excitement over the little things,
and profound passion for the great.
she is open and eager, ready to learn and grow.
and she is with someone who wants nothing more than to be on that same journey,
with her.

and they feel love.

Dear Dad.

Dad,

Something is happening to me. Something I can’t fully understand or even explain, but it has so much to do with you that I want to try. I am beginning to see the world for what it really is. I have spent the better part of my young life believing in the good and trying so hard to make sure that no one ever gets the best of me. And I have been knocked down time and time again, only to get right back up and tell the world that I am stronger, smarter, and more full of heart and soul and spitfire than they ever knew.

This has been an unsung mission of mine, one that I didn’t even realize until recently. But now I know that my commitment to be Me, no matter the pain or the cost, is a result of my strong-will and stubborn determination to make this world a better place. Not only for me, but for the daughters and the sons that will succeed me. I refuse to allow them to grow up in a world full of hate, lies, deceit, and selfishness. A world where that is normal and even acceptable, and where “we don’t know any better.” Because that simply isn’t true. I promise to instill in them belief in true-blue love, truth even when it hurts, honesty as a standard, and knowledge of the profound goodness that comes from selfless acts of human kindness and compassion.  

This is what drives me. This is what makes me capable of getting up after being knocked so far down, and saying No. This way of living is not living to me.

And maybe it’s too late for you; maybe this really is all you know. But I am here to tell you that I am not okay with how you have chosen to live your life. Your half-assed actions and all of your painful inactions have impacted me for 28 years. I have lost nearly all of my faith, and most of what was lost resulted from you.

It’s hard to say out loud, but I have probably chosen most of my partners because pieces of them resemble pieces of you. I will probably always be trying to fix you, and save you, and love you. And I will probably always be let down by new versions of you. And as smart as I am, and as much as I can see this in me and in you, I’m not sure I can change any of it to save myself from the discourse of you.

So here is what it boils down to. Every single time that you trade one woman in for someone new, you are telling me that no woman will ever be good enough, ever be worthy, of you. You are telling me that women are replaceable, like objects that get old and eventually need to be traded in. And you are telling me that I am one of those women, and will never be fully appreciated by you, or equal to you. You are perpetuating a vicious cycle of power dynamics that men hold over women; socially constructed but so easily maintained by men like you. And you don’t want to see it, and you certainly don’t want to admit it, but I promise you that this is very real, and that men like you are severely infringing on my ability to grow into a confident woman in this world.

You often tell me how proud of me you are; how proud of what I have set out to do and been able to accomplish in my life so far. And you should be. You should be absolutely amazed that I have become the woman I have today, despite all of the hoops your world has forced me to jump through. You should be stunned that I have the courage and compassion to try to understand from you, in hopes to shed some light on all of this. You should be grateful that I haven’t given completely up on you, and walked away for good. You should be appreciative of the heart and soul I have, that is able to love you through all of this, and forgive you for your mistakes. But most of all, you should be humble and listen to what I am trying to tell you. Put your pride away for a moment, and hear the plea I am desperately trying to make.

I need you to spend some serious time with yourself. Stop everything and put your life on hold. Be pensive, be reflective, and be truthful with yourself. Ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want to be. Is this the kind of human being you want to be? Do you want to teach your daughter that she doesn’t matter, and that she is replaceable? Think about what impact my words are having on you. Do you feel something, do you feel anything? Think about what that is, and why you are feeling it. Is it okay with you that your actions impact me? Is it okay with you that I am living in a world where I have learned that I don’t matter? Is it okay with you that I have to try harder, and believe more, and be the one to never give up? What does this mean to you?

What do I mean to you?

so fuck you.

you have no idea how much i want to cry, after a night like tonight. feeling so degraded, so worthless, never feeling so low. you offered me money, but i declined, and you got upset. i pointed out your wedding ring and asked about your children, so you left the room, leaving me in darkness. leaving me in shame. how can i proceed, knowing that's all i am to you. how can i move forward, knowing what i equate to, for you. and i'm so upset by how much i played into you, played into your game, and accepted your challenge for the night. i thought it was fun, and i thought i was clever, but the only thing clever was your plan for how to play me. i am so disheartened by you. so disgusted and dis-regulated by your everything. you leave me with no hope, no peace, no anything for tomorrow. what would your daughter say? does she know the way that you talk to me? she is half my age, but you are ruining love for her. do you see that? are you privy to what harm you will cause? because i am, and i am here to tell you that it is not okay. i want to burn your hundred dollar bill, i want to take your name in vein. but you will never know, so what good does it do me now. you called me blondie, and you called me little girl. i can't even tell you how much that hurts me, how much that cuts me down. i fucking hate you for all that you are, and i walked out without telling you that, face to face. i fucking hate you for all that you made me feel, all this pain, all this rage and disgust. you are disgusting, and i fucking hate all that you are. may you never cross my path again, may you never cross women again. you make me believe in nothing. you make me see what this world really is. i hate you so much for that, because you perpetuate a shattered reality. but you are living what you know, and i want to impact your ignorance. but how can i ever dream to do that, when i'm shut down by you and your everything, every single time. i feel numb, and dirty. i feel sad and entirely alone. you made me nothing, when i am trying so hard to believe in something, to believe in myself, and be something that i can stand for. so fuck you, for breaking me down tonight. and fuck you, for breaking me, my entire life. i am more than you can ever know, i am more than you can ever see. so fuck you, for not believing in more than you can see, and fuck you for not believing in me. i can do this without you, and i will, watch me.

fractured.

and truth be told i'd rather hate the real you than love the made-up pretty-boy package you've been selling me.

this means you, dad. do you understand this, dad? does this make any kind of sense to you, dad? let me help you to understand. let me help you to see, the truth that is ingrained in me. the truth that i refuse to give up on, refuse to let go of. i refuse to let you show me any different, even though that's all you've ever taught me. and i have more faith than you will ever see. you can't possibly appreciate the tenacity that pumps through me. the strength that lives in my bones and helps me stand up tall and free. you tell me on the phone about your dishonesty, in hopes to break bad habits and commit yourself to a new transparency. i appreciate that you're trying,dad, but you are so blind to your own reality. and i don't know if you're really that daft, or if your vision has selectivity. does the sound of my tears not affect you? do you not feel pain when i tell you that i am hurting? i don't want to participate in your search for happiness anymore. i can't. i'm out. and i'm sorry because i want to be there, for you. like you were never there for me. but i can't sacrifice my faith anymore. these pieces of my heart that you are breaking are too fractured to be fixed. you can't fix me anymore.

Secondhand Scars.

And here I am, focusing all of my after-thoughts on you,
when I have my own lessons that are left unlearned.
My own after-thoughts, turned into after-shocks,
when I finally let them in.

I can see now my own faults,
where I let the weight of your quake tear me down.

I forget to step back,
and see love for what it really is.
I don't let my walls down, or your heart in.
I keep everything locked up,
and refuse to believe that you've found a secret passage way, inside.

And even when you do,
I deny and I reject and I refuse.
Because what if they don't approve, of you.

What if it all falls apart, again.
And you leave me here alone, again.
Doesn't that make me a fool?
Doesn't that make me unwanted, and unworthy?

No.

It makes me alone, and it makes me a coward.
Because I can't even let go long enough to let it become real.
Instead, I let go of you.
And I watch you stray away, to someone new.
But I had a hand in the pain that you caused,
and I let that be okay,
but it's not okay.

Because these flaws of mine, weren't born in me.
They're the fuck-ups of others come before me,
making the fuck-ups now that follow me.
My father, my brothers, my lovers, my friends,
your mistakes and hurt have scared me secondhand.
And I'm worried that it's too late for me to quit,
and walk away scar free.

Haze of Starlight

You’re everywhere I look. Everywhere I turn. You are around every corner, staring back at me. I can hardly go a single hour, without you seeping in. My mind, my dreams, my body, all of me is filled with you. Will we ever let each other go, long enough to be whatever it is we need to be?

But the truth is that I don’t want to, let you go. I want to hold on to all of you forever, because all the pain can’t wash out the love and miss that I still feel. I wish it could, because the days would be much more carefree, and my sleep would go back to dreams of silly things like mountain tops and starlight flights. But instead they’re filled with you and me. Tossing and turning and waking in a blur. Heart awake and so alive, beating hard and completely aware that you’re not here.

And I wonder where you are, if not with me. Are you lying awake somewhere, wondering why your heart feels empty and your body feels cold and alone? Are your dreams filled like mine, with familiar limbs but painfully blurry faces of somebody that you used to know? If they are then you know the sadness that hits when you wake too soon, just before the haze fades and you would have seen my face, once again. So close to sweetness, as if our unconscious is protecting us from unbelievable bliss and inevitable heartache.

But I’d take the bliss and the heartache and all the dizzy spells that your name brings, if we could rewind back through all of this mess and vow to deserve and honor a once in a lifetime second chance.

And since I can’t, at least not for now, I am left with nothing but my mind and it’s countless thoughts of you, to keep me company and keep me misery, as the daylight fades to black and the starlight fills the night sky, once again.

wedensday, september 14, 2011

with no commitment to anyone,
nothing traceable
except the money i owe,
absolute freedom, for the first time in 27 years,
and still it feels so full of nothingness,
so empty and alone.

so up and down, classically bittersweet.
not at all what i wanted, but this is what i got.
and so here i am, three-thousand miles away,
with an empty tank of gas
and no one to know my name.

something so true in that, so honest and raw,
and for the first time ever,
i'm admitting that it hurts to be alone.

it takes red wine and solitude,
and a looming dark grey sky,
to see all the truths, that i hid away, deep inside.

feeling like a prisoner
in my own self-inflicted progression.
because what else can you do
when everything falls apart and fades away.

i keep going, and i try to move on,
i look forward and vow never to look back.
but it's there and it's chasing me
waking me up in the middle of the night,
demanding my attention and constant validation.

because this pain is real, and it's right.
without it we lose what it means to be a human being,
with a heart to break and a soul to take.
please don't let me lose my self.

pieces of you.

you sent me flowers today.

i had a thought, but figured that it couldn't be you.

wouldn't be you.

but, it was.

you.

and now i'm not sure how i feel. just today i told the story of us, and it brought me back to the sadness and the sorrow.

the what used to be, and what might have been.

and it's pieces of you, that remind me where i've been.
of what i've had; the love the pain the promise and the numb goodbye.

so where do i go from here? now that i'm reminded of where i've been.

where do i go, now?

never.

it was never meant to be like this.

solitude. quiet. and numb.

we were promised so much more,
so much hope.
but what happens to dreams when they are broken,
they shatter
they fade away.

and we're left to sit and wonder,
to ponder all the maybe's and what might have been's.
all the while getting no where new,
and left behind.

and it was never meant to be like this.
but here we are.

something. nothing.

i don't trust that i would walk away.
and i do know that i should.

something wicked this way comes.
but also something new and good,
with patience,
always patience.

and i now know what they meant when they said the thrill is gone,
because it all just seems to fade away,
and pass the time, now.
and nothing more.

young at heart, but with an old soul.

i am learning that every time you break my heart, i am helping to set yours free. my heartache is your painful realization that there is more to life than your half-hearted ways and wasted days.

you are welcome, i think.

but fuck you for using me to learn something you should have known already.