Dear Dad.

Dad,

Something is happening to me. Something I can’t fully understand or even explain, but it has so much to do with you that I want to try. I am beginning to see the world for what it really is. I have spent the better part of my young life believing in the good and trying so hard to make sure that no one ever gets the best of me. And I have been knocked down time and time again, only to get right back up and tell the world that I am stronger, smarter, and more full of heart and soul and spitfire than they ever knew.

This has been an unsung mission of mine, one that I didn’t even realize until recently. But now I know that my commitment to be Me, no matter the pain or the cost, is a result of my strong-will and stubborn determination to make this world a better place. Not only for me, but for the daughters and the sons that will succeed me. I refuse to allow them to grow up in a world full of hate, lies, deceit, and selfishness. A world where that is normal and even acceptable, and where “we don’t know any better.” Because that simply isn’t true. I promise to instill in them belief in true-blue love, truth even when it hurts, honesty as a standard, and knowledge of the profound goodness that comes from selfless acts of human kindness and compassion.  

This is what drives me. This is what makes me capable of getting up after being knocked so far down, and saying No. This way of living is not living to me.

And maybe it’s too late for you; maybe this really is all you know. But I am here to tell you that I am not okay with how you have chosen to live your life. Your half-assed actions and all of your painful inactions have impacted me for 28 years. I have lost nearly all of my faith, and most of what was lost resulted from you.

It’s hard to say out loud, but I have probably chosen most of my partners because pieces of them resemble pieces of you. I will probably always be trying to fix you, and save you, and love you. And I will probably always be let down by new versions of you. And as smart as I am, and as much as I can see this in me and in you, I’m not sure I can change any of it to save myself from the discourse of you.

So here is what it boils down to. Every single time that you trade one woman in for someone new, you are telling me that no woman will ever be good enough, ever be worthy, of you. You are telling me that women are replaceable, like objects that get old and eventually need to be traded in. And you are telling me that I am one of those women, and will never be fully appreciated by you, or equal to you. You are perpetuating a vicious cycle of power dynamics that men hold over women; socially constructed but so easily maintained by men like you. And you don’t want to see it, and you certainly don’t want to admit it, but I promise you that this is very real, and that men like you are severely infringing on my ability to grow into a confident woman in this world.

You often tell me how proud of me you are; how proud of what I have set out to do and been able to accomplish in my life so far. And you should be. You should be absolutely amazed that I have become the woman I have today, despite all of the hoops your world has forced me to jump through. You should be stunned that I have the courage and compassion to try to understand from you, in hopes to shed some light on all of this. You should be grateful that I haven’t given completely up on you, and walked away for good. You should be appreciative of the heart and soul I have, that is able to love you through all of this, and forgive you for your mistakes. But most of all, you should be humble and listen to what I am trying to tell you. Put your pride away for a moment, and hear the plea I am desperately trying to make.

I need you to spend some serious time with yourself. Stop everything and put your life on hold. Be pensive, be reflective, and be truthful with yourself. Ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want to be. Is this the kind of human being you want to be? Do you want to teach your daughter that she doesn’t matter, and that she is replaceable? Think about what impact my words are having on you. Do you feel something, do you feel anything? Think about what that is, and why you are feeling it. Is it okay with you that your actions impact me? Is it okay with you that I am living in a world where I have learned that I don’t matter? Is it okay with you that I have to try harder, and believe more, and be the one to never give up? What does this mean to you?

What do I mean to you?

so fuck you.

you have no idea how much i want to cry, after a night like tonight. feeling so degraded, so worthless, never feeling so low. you offered me money, but i declined, and you got upset. i pointed out your wedding ring and asked about your children, so you left the room, leaving me in darkness. leaving me in shame. how can i proceed, knowing that's all i am to you. how can i move forward, knowing what i equate to, for you. and i'm so upset by how much i played into you, played into your game, and accepted your challenge for the night. i thought it was fun, and i thought i was clever, but the only thing clever was your plan for how to play me. i am so disheartened by you. so disgusted and dis-regulated by your everything. you leave me with no hope, no peace, no anything for tomorrow. what would your daughter say? does she know the way that you talk to me? she is half my age, but you are ruining love for her. do you see that? are you privy to what harm you will cause? because i am, and i am here to tell you that it is not okay. i want to burn your hundred dollar bill, i want to take your name in vein. but you will never know, so what good does it do me now. you called me blondie, and you called me little girl. i can't even tell you how much that hurts me, how much that cuts me down. i fucking hate you for all that you are, and i walked out without telling you that, face to face. i fucking hate you for all that you made me feel, all this pain, all this rage and disgust. you are disgusting, and i fucking hate all that you are. may you never cross my path again, may you never cross women again. you make me believe in nothing. you make me see what this world really is. i hate you so much for that, because you perpetuate a shattered reality. but you are living what you know, and i want to impact your ignorance. but how can i ever dream to do that, when i'm shut down by you and your everything, every single time. i feel numb, and dirty. i feel sad and entirely alone. you made me nothing, when i am trying so hard to believe in something, to believe in myself, and be something that i can stand for. so fuck you, for breaking me down tonight. and fuck you, for breaking me, my entire life. i am more than you can ever know, i am more than you can ever see. so fuck you, for not believing in more than you can see, and fuck you for not believing in me. i can do this without you, and i will, watch me.

fractured.

and truth be told i'd rather hate the real you than love the made-up pretty-boy package you've been selling me.

this means you, dad. do you understand this, dad? does this make any kind of sense to you, dad? let me help you to understand. let me help you to see, the truth that is ingrained in me. the truth that i refuse to give up on, refuse to let go of. i refuse to let you show me any different, even though that's all you've ever taught me. and i have more faith than you will ever see. you can't possibly appreciate the tenacity that pumps through me. the strength that lives in my bones and helps me stand up tall and free. you tell me on the phone about your dishonesty, in hopes to break bad habits and commit yourself to a new transparency. i appreciate that you're trying,dad, but you are so blind to your own reality. and i don't know if you're really that daft, or if your vision has selectivity. does the sound of my tears not affect you? do you not feel pain when i tell you that i am hurting? i don't want to participate in your search for happiness anymore. i can't. i'm out. and i'm sorry because i want to be there, for you. like you were never there for me. but i can't sacrifice my faith anymore. these pieces of my heart that you are breaking are too fractured to be fixed. you can't fix me anymore.