so fuck you.

you have no idea how much i want to cry, after a night like tonight. feeling so degraded, so worthless, never feeling so low. you offered me money, but i declined, and you got upset. i pointed out your wedding ring and asked about your children, so you left the room, leaving me in darkness. leaving me in shame. how can i proceed, knowing that's all i am to you. how can i move forward, knowing what i equate to, for you. and i'm so upset by how much i played into you, played into your game, and accepted your challenge for the night. i thought it was fun, and i thought i was clever, but the only thing clever was your plan for how to play me. i am so disheartened by you. so disgusted and dis-regulated by your everything. you leave me with no hope, no peace, no anything for tomorrow. what would your daughter say? does she know the way that you talk to me? she is half my age, but you are ruining love for her. do you see that? are you privy to what harm you will cause? because i am, and i am here to tell you that it is not okay. i want to burn your hundred dollar bill, i want to take your name in vein. but you will never know, so what good does it do me now. you called me blondie, and you called me little girl. i can't even tell you how much that hurts me, how much that cuts me down. i fucking hate you for all that you are, and i walked out without telling you that, face to face. i fucking hate you for all that you made me feel, all this pain, all this rage and disgust. you are disgusting, and i fucking hate all that you are. may you never cross my path again, may you never cross women again. you make me believe in nothing. you make me see what this world really is. i hate you so much for that, because you perpetuate a shattered reality. but you are living what you know, and i want to impact your ignorance. but how can i ever dream to do that, when i'm shut down by you and your everything, every single time. i feel numb, and dirty. i feel sad and entirely alone. you made me nothing, when i am trying so hard to believe in something, to believe in myself, and be something that i can stand for. so fuck you, for breaking me down tonight. and fuck you, for breaking me, my entire life. i am more than you can ever know, i am more than you can ever see. so fuck you, for not believing in more than you can see, and fuck you for not believing in me. i can do this without you, and i will, watch me.